Ask Joshing Gnome for December 6, 2008

In response to a post entitled  “Laid Off”, in which I explained that I had been laid off from the Joshing Gnome and replaced by an outsourcing firm, Noumenon asks:

ur jokin right?
Well, I guess that leaves you more time for full-time blogging.  I can see you going out and starting fights with Korean mothers just so you have something to do and blog about.

Assuming that Noumenon misinterpreted my post to mean that I had been laid off from my full-time job, the answer is in fact, yes, I m jokin.  I also wasn’t laid off from the Joshing Gnome, because it would be impossible for someone else to write this thing as cheaply as I already do, thus defeating the purpose of outsourcing. 

Also, this is a blog.

As for your speculation that I may go out and pick fights with Korean mothers just so I might have something to blog about, I get the impression that you’ve got the process somewhat backwards, so let me take this opportunity to outline the Joshing Gnome blogging process as it applies to all the fights I tend to have with Korean mothers.

When my typical my fight with a Korean mother begins I usually have no idea that it’s coming.  I will be sitting in a cafe, restaurant, my home or the homes of my family members or even at work, when I will suddenly be confronted by the presence of a Korean mother doing something that ‘gets my goat.  At this point blogging is the furthest thing from my mind, and in fact I start to lose control over myself.  I feel the fight coming, but I am almost helpless to stop it.  Occasionally I will have a fleeting moment of clarity in which I think ‘I probably shouldn’t do what I am clearly about to do’, but this is basically the mental equivalent of that slow motion moment where you see the glass falling to the floor and you think ‘Is there anything I can do to keep it from smashing to bits?’ but at the same time you know that there isn’t.

In that fleeting moment of clarity other thoughts flash through my mind as well, such as ‘this fight will do nothing to help or educate anyone and everything to make you look like a nasty judgmental foreigner’ and ‘I can improve this woman’s life for the better by starting this fight with her’, but naturally none of these thoughts are reflected in my subsequent actions.

The next phase of the fight is what I call ‘first strike’.  This can take the form of a snide comment, a hastily drafted note chastising the Korean mother, or actually confiscating her child from her.  At no point am I in control of these actions and typically my hands are trembling with fury the whole time. 

This will either be the end or the beginning of the fight, depending on the temperament of the particular Korean mother.  In the event that I confiscate the mother’s child and the fight simply ends I usually slip it in the nearest mail box.

When my hands stop trembling, I finally run to the nearest PC bang and immediately blog the experience.  Having done so, I  usually lay low for the next few days, regain my composure, I sometimes go to confession, and of course I pray that that will be my last fight with a Korean mother.

Hope that cleared things up.

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~ by Joshing on December 7, 2008.

7 Responses to “Ask Joshing Gnome for December 6, 2008”

  1. Do you confess the fight, or placing children in mail boxes?

    I’m sorry. That’s not really any of my business. Please disregard.

  2. I confess the joy of wrath.

    Duh.

  3. mailbox. I never thought of that. I always just sold my confiscated children to gypsies or somalian pirates.

  4. So THAT’s the noise that’s coming from inside my apartment mailbox

  5. If you had run with the joke for one more “Jonathan Smith” post, I would have gotten it. I have a whole folder in my bookmarks for “blogs that don’t update any more,” so I was just fooled and thought the Jonathan post was some kind of bitter goodbye (“here, i’ll put up some some kind of tourist restaurant review to show you all how good you had it!”)

    I was kind of joking myself about what it would take for you to generate blog content full-time. If it were your baby posts I found most memorable I probably would have suggested you’d be impregnating more Korean women just for material.

  6. Ha.

    When it comes to comments on blogs, always presume the worst, is my motto.

    “If it were your baby posts I found most memorable I probably would have suggested you’d be impregnating more Korean women just for material.”

    Actually I’m way ahead of you. In fact, if all goes according to plan, I will be doing just that as both my full-time day job and a separate blog going online in January, tentatively titled either “Super-Reverse American Male 씨받이 Gnome” or “Sperm Donin’ Gnome”.

    Tentative tag-line: “Young, dumb and full of jung”

  7. Funny ass post.

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