Hot baby names for 2008
Miyoung and I are talking about having a baby sometime, which naturally gets me thinking about baby names. By my reckoning there are eleven kinds of baby names.
- Legacy names – Stanley, Ralph, Francis: These names are like hook noses and Huntington’s Chorea, nobody wants them but they can’t help but pass them on.
- Old Standby names – Robert, Michael, David, Steven: these names are reliable, non-controversial, and dull. People with these names can expect to spend their lives in weird tandem with all the other people around them with the same name. Oh wow, two Rob Ms! You can be Little Rob and Other Rob M will be Big Rob!
- Trendy names – Chelsea, Madison, Addison, Emma, Tyler – These are the types of names that people pick for their baby, as opposed to their son or daughter. People who choose a trendy name for their child typically think they’re the second person to do so.
- Famous First-middle name combo – George Washington, Francis Xavier, John Kennedy: These seem to be a relic of the past. You never hear about anyone naming their kid Ronald Reagan Rodriguez these days.
- Last Name names – Danforth, Jefferson: Common among Mormons, these are typically used to honor someone the parents know.
- Biblical names – Josiah, Isaac, Miriam: I’m from New York, so I don’t know much about this. Is it a religious thing or just a white non-Catholic thing?
- “Ethnic” names – Julio, Ahmed, Kenji: These are super-trendy, but difficult to pull off. If you’re not Japanese American, you probably shouldn’t name your kid Ai.
- Variations on standard names – This includes both variants of spelling—Julee, Steffany, Stevin, Mychael—and pronunciation—Andre (an-DRAY), Graham (GRAY-um): These names are typically chosen by parents who want to be different but are afraid to be original. Typically associated with a lack of regard for tradition and or history, this name type also tends to correspond with low levels of education.
- Transgender names – Stacey, James, Michael – These are non-unisex names that sometimes jump the divide and get applied to the opposite sex. People with names like this typically learn the art of stone-faced humorlessness early in life.
- Celebrity baby names – Apple, Rumer, Brooklyn: Everything that could be said about these probably has been said better by others. Suffice it to say they’re indulgent and I find them stupid. When celebrity baby names start jumping over to become trendy baby names, you will know that our civilization is nearing its natural end.
- Weird names – Swoozy, Landon, Moon Unit: These are typically the same as celebrity names, except non-celebrities give them to their children. Unlike celebrity’s children, people with weird names tend to meet a lot of people who will make fun of their names, making them either love or hate to be different.
That said, here’s my list of Hot Baby Names for 2008. Amazingly, all of them are unisex:
- Carbon (pronounced Carbón)
As for my preferred baby name, if it’s a boy, Harridan Subprime Mondello, and if it’s a girl, Jemimah Beomgyeong Mondello.